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Instagram turns 20 on this day in 2030

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[Transcript for 2D legacy devices]

[10/6/2030]

—LEFT EYE / RIGHT EYE: /impose/ INSTAGRAM TOWER

[VOICEOVER]

INSTAGRAM, the little photo filtering app that’s become the biggest shopping and communications platform in the world, turned TWENTY YEARS OLD today.

—RIGHT EYE / interspersed archival photos of Instagram app CIRCA 2015, CIRCA 2014, CIRCA 2012

The service has TRANSFORMED SIGNIFICANTLY over the past decade, growing from a little social app into a ubiquitous platform that runs much of our daily lives — including the AUGMENTED VIDEO PLATFORM you’re probably using to watch this.

That success recently made it the first $10 TRILLION COMPANY, even as legacy brands like FACEBOOK and WHATSAPP/MESSENGER CLASSIC continue to see sinking annual returns.

With the company’s anniversary in mind, here’s A REVIEW of some of Instagram’s BIGGEST MOMENTS over its past 10 years.

2021

Instagram launches A DEDICATED SHOPPING TAB, a precursor to its global commerce network. At launch, the service allows you to swipe through products, stores, and tagged photos to BUY ANYTHING you see.

—LEFT EYE / (2021) screenshot of APP FEATURES

Instagram clones Pinterest’s product bookmarking tool. SHARE TO INSTAGRAM buttons begin appearing on the web, letting you save products of interest and find similar styles in the app.

2022

Instagram messenger becomes INTEROPERABLE with WhatsApp and SMS. Cheshire Analytics estimates that HALF OF MOBILE MESSAGES sent globally pass through Facebook servers by the end of the year.

—RIGHT EYE (video) / trailer footage CREDIT: INSTAGRAM STUDIOS

Instagram launches Netflix competitor, FLICKS. Its DEBUT SLATE of films stars a global group of influencers and is designed to appeal to mobile viewers. Viewership is limited, though the binge shopping series BUY SH!T becomes a viral hit when one influencer dramatically purchases a small island on their mother’s credit card. “Islanding” becomes a status symbol, and the manmade island market becomes A $10 BILLION INDUSTRY within a year.

2023

Instagram launches IG CARD, IG CODES, and INSTA TAP POINTS, allowing physical retailers to accept purchases through the app. Lower transaction fees and social integrations (such as the popular “SHARE TO BUY” discount) encourage wide adoption among home goods stores, fashion retailers, and restaurants.

Following MYSTERY BOX CRAZE, Instagram launches INSTABOX, offering sale of random items shipped to your home overnight. “Our boxes have twice as many mysteries as any other box on the market,” a product manager said at launch. Boxes are later recalled after three buyers receive body parts.

—RIGHT EYE / “CPSC Recall Notice”

Instagram launches an Uber clone, letting you hail a taxi by posting a video from the corner you’re standing on.

INSTAGRAM NEWS begins piping headlines and short broadcast segments between photos and stories. It becomes the PRIMARY NEWS SOURCE for the app’s youngest users. A cottage industry forms around promoting viral news stories about “VIBEY” LOCAL SPOTS, turning small businesses into tourist destinations overnight.

2024

Hundreds of influencers THREATEN TO UNIONIZE if Instagram does not begin sharing profits of IG SHOP. Instagram does not respond, and several leaders are PERMANENTLY BANNED from the platform.

—LEFT EYE / RIGHT EYE: [projected] aggregate photos showing “OUR LOOKS, OUR LIVES” slogan

Instagram launches clone of LOLCATE, the viral location sharing app that has made stars of teens who pop up at the most unpredictable places. Parents CRITICIZED THE APP for being “an obvious stalking risk” and “I can’t find my son.”

Instagram launches STORES, letting retailers open AUGMENTED REALITY SHOPS that the app superimposes around you. Users can virtually try on clothing and post photos of themselves “wearing” garments before they’re purchased. Independent retailers claim the virtual try-ons are TANTAMOUNT TO SHOPLIFTING and that influencers are profiting off of products without buying them.

The new INSTACHOW feature integrates food delivery, letting you swipe on any food pic and have the app automatically order an equivalent from a nearby restaurant. Restaurants that POORLY REPLICATE the food are often flooded with complaints and kicked off the platform. DARK KITCHENS rapidly pop up that specialize in precise reconstruction of photographed meals. Post-new American restaurants serving ultra-small bite platters come to dominate, thanks to their smorgasbord of offerings, allowing photographers to fit dozens of selections in a single frame (typical: steaming tea, three flat noodles, one mini rainbow macaron, a flake of grated bourbon-glazed parmesan, deconstructed Brussels sprout, assorted soup “shots,” decoratively carved basil leaf, one-inch rice statue [often — Iron Man, pot leaf, Stalin], dehydrated puffed grilled tuna bite [for cats], etc.)

2025

The FIRST GENERATION of INSTAGRAM LENS launches for Apple Glass, Samsung Galaxy Glasses, Oculus GLSS, and other face displays. The augmented reality app applies beauty filters to people and places around you. Skin is smoothed, cheekbones are raised, lashes lengthened, eyes widened, lips plumped and slightly parted. For those who want it, beards are everywhere; for those who don’t, they are wiped away. Skies are made bluer, clouds made crisper, grass becomes neatly trimmed. In the fall, piles of leaves appear in every open field. The app is widely criticized for reinforcing unrealistic beauty (and landscaping) standards. Soon, a common advice column complaint comes from writers whose partner refuses to take off their glasses at home. One woman says her husband of two years, an early Apple Glass adopter, told her she was being vain for insisting that it mattered how she appeared to him. “He told me that it shouldn’t matter how he filters me because it’s what’s inside that counts,” she writes.

—WORLD FILTER APPLIED: “GEN 1” (CIRCA 2023, CIRCA 2024) face displays / randomized style, color, fit

Instagram launches a clone of Robinhood, letting you BUY AND TRADE STOCKS by posting photos of a company’s products. During a demo, an executive snapped a photo of their Tesla Model 8=D but failed to complete the transaction because trading had BEEN HALTED due to a “Twitter incident.”

2026

A PATENT TROLL with assets from the defunct classic media startup Quibi sues Instagram over alleged theft of its “turnstyle” technology. The claim is QUICKLY SETTLED out of court.

—WORLD FILTER: (LOOKS,) [RANDOMIZED]

“InstaImplants” allow influencers to embed SMALL WIRELESS CHIPS in their neck that communicate with Instagram Lens, telling the app how they should be displayed to users. Teens mostly make themselves APPEAR GROTESQUE to mess with their parents. Stans begin making themselves appear AS CLONES of their favorite stars. Management companies soon develop CUSTOM FACES for their talent that change along with NEW ALBUM RELEASES. They are then sold to fans in PRE-RELEASE BUNDLES with physical TIE-IN MYSTERY BOXES.

Instagram launches an Airbnb clone, allowing users to FIND HOMES AND APARTMENTS they can rent for short stays by swiping through photos.

2027

With the FACEBOOK BRAND toxic to investors after the ILL-FATED digital city project wiped out thousands of acres of rainforest, the company is renamed THE INSTAGRAM GROUP.

—LEFT EYE / RIGHT EYE: Instagram Group wordmark and containing brand logos; WhatsApp, Messenger, Lens, Shops, Flicks, Clips, Pops, Go, etc.

Baldwell Group, a leading analyst firm, predicts that by 2040, three-quarters of US merchandise sales will happen on Instagram.

Instagram’s VIRTUAL LEGISLATURE launches with the ability to pass policy changes within the app following YEARS OF CONCERN around content moderation, distortion of reality (enhanced looks, fake reality), and algorithm changes that many allege increasingly favor the wealthiest users able to overwrite filters with high-power implants. The lower chamber is composed of top influencers, popular filter designers, and a rotating selection of viral teenagers. The upper chamber includes thought leaders hand-selected by Instagram’s Policy, People, Property, and Personnel Team. The executive branch is led by CONTROLLING SHAREHOLDERS, effectively keeping Mark Zuckerberg in control.

European regulators begin investigating whether Instagram has a monopoly on the AUGMENTED PAYMENT MARKET. The investigation focuses on exclusivity terms that LOCK OUT competing FACE DISPLAY APPS. Leaders in the US say an American tech company is being unfairly targeted for its success.

2028

Senator and former influencer KATIE FLYSTYLE (D-SV) is indicted for FAILING TO DISCLOSE that her posts about anti-fatigue eye cream were sponsored advertisements. The product, part of a GROWING MARKET of unapproved mild steroids meant to address digital strain, appeared in a half dozen posts over Flystyle’s first year in office. The senator said she “would have used [it] anyway” and argued that the free merchandise and payments did not qualify as a sponsorship because it was a “truly, genuinely great product, sponsorship or no.” The senator’s stans threaten to doxx activists who call for her to step down.

—RIGHT EYE / interspersed PROMOS of FLYSTYLE dabbing eye with blue-green cream.

INSTA APPS allow other companies to build services inside of INSTAGRAM LENS. At launch, Nike creates virtual sneakers you can pay to equip your augmented self with (physical AR tracking sneakers sold separately). Subway makes an AR sandwich app that lets you APPEAR TO CARRY AND EAT a virtual sandwich. It becomes a trend to pose with a half-eaten virtual sandwich.

2029

Mark Zuckerberg posts video of his FIRST STEPS on Mars to Instagram.

—VISION REPLACE: Martian landscape

A 13-year-old hacker posts statement to presidential Instagram account offering FREE USA E GOLD, tanking the price of real gold and sending the virtual currency’s price soaring. The White House later clarifies, “This was a hacking attempt. USA E GOLD is not an authorized digital currency.”

Instagram launches clone of viral “anti-privacy” app DATADIVE, letting you doxx your DOB, medical conditions, SSN, and more for micropayments.

Activists VIRTUALLY PICKET the opening of new company headquarters Instagram Tower, criticizing the app for “digital-gating” too much of daily life, from payments to fashion. “No one is required to use INSTA LENS or IG PAY or SHARE TO BUY,” a spokesperson said. “Traditional e-currency is still accepted at many locations.”

2030

After losing his primary bid for governor of Silicon Valley State to Senator Flystyle, Mark Zuckerberg DISMISSES RUMORS that he’s gearing up to run for president in 2032, saying he’s focusing on Instagram where “there’s plenty to do.” Critics accuse Zuckerberg of consolidating power after he signs an order declaring the Virtual Legislature to be “an optional route” for establishing digital rules.

Zuckerberg institutes THE CONTROVERSIAL “INSTATAX” on all transactions, which he says will go toward a dedicated fund for digital public works projects, starting with virtual preschools.

Virtual billboards go up that advertise the new Z WORKS PROJECTS that Zuckerberg has enacted, including clean air filters, virtual food enhancers, and algorithm changes that offer more views to middle-tier influencers.

Zuckerberg’s popularity rating soars, though activists have accused his virtual moderators of being overly aggressive in their enforcement of “INSTAGRAM-FRIENDLY” filters, saying the rule is used as an excuse to ban vintage implants, enhancements, and styles that don’t contribute virtual tax dollars.

—LEFT EYE: Classic Polaroid-esque Instagram logo.

Reports suggest teenagers are RAPIDLY ABANDONING Instagram due to its bloated feature set and popularity among their parents. Instagram launches a clone of QUIKPICS, a simple 2D photo sharing service loved by Gen Alpha for its minimal aesthetic.

[##]

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The 10 Best Deals of October 27, 2020

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Gif: Juliana Clark

Best Deals of the DayBest Deals of the DayThe best deals from around the web, updated daily.

Tuesday’s Best Deals | Kinja Deals

It’s October 27, and we at Kinja Deals are here to bring you the top 10 deals of the day. Kick back with some vegan CBD gummies. Prep for your future Zoom calls with the MySmile Teeth Whitening Kit. Try your hand at indoor gardening with the AeroGarden Harvest 360.

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If you’re still looking to snag some deals, take a look at Tuesday’s best deals overall.

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If you’re going to give OLED a try, this might be the time to start considering. I’ll contend you can still get away with an LG B7, the baseline from a couple of generations ago, but the TVs have gotten exceptional. Burn-in and input lag are two of the biggest knocks against OLED, especially for gamers, but according to reviews, that should be a non-issue on the LG CX. So long as you’re not watching the news or playing games with the same HUD for many consecutive hours on end, you shouldn’t run into any nasty image retention issues anytime soon.

Now down to its all-time low price of $1,497 on Amazon and at BuyDig, this 55″ TV is one of the best LG currently has to offer. It begins with that beautiful OLED panel, of course, which bids sayonara to muddy grays and backlight bleed thanks to its per-pixel lighting. For movies, Dolby Atmos and Dolby Vision HDR return to give you the best cinematic experience possible, the latter adding a feature that automatically tunes the picture around your ambient lighting conditions and the content you’re watching.

The TV also includes both AMD FreeSync and Nvidia G-Sync, both of which are gaming features that eliminate screen tearing with little (if any) added input lag.

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This deal was originally published by Quentyn Kennemer.

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You can now commemorate your digital rags to riches story in Animal Crossing with a real world bell bag, now bundled with the game for $55. The bag alone is normally $20, and with Animal Crossing: New Horizons usually hovering around $50 these days, it’s a nice $15 value. We’ve talked at length about the game ‘round here, but this rave is all about that bag!

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This soft plush bag is super authentic with a brown star patch and a red drawstring to keep whatever you decide to carry inside from spilling out. The bag is about 5.95 inches wide and 4.9 inches tall, which isn’t a whole lot of room, but I’m sure you can find a good use for it!

Put down your purses, backpacks, and pocketbooks and try on an oldish-new way to transport your personal items and currencies. (Or, you know, just add it to your ever-growing Nintendo shrine.)

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This deal was originally published by Quentyn Kennemer.

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There’s nothing more vegan than letting everyone know you’re vegan, and while I don’t partake in the diet myself, I do try to reduce my animal-based intake where possible. And for avid CBD users like myself, it can be hard to find gummies that don’t use gelatin or other animal products to get their chewy mouthfeel. Complete with vitamins D3 and B12, Sunday Scaries Vegan AF gummies yield all the benefits of its classic Gummies for Chillin’ except, you know, without the dissuasive ingredients. Made from broad spectrum CBD oil and coconut oil, unlike some competing brands, Sunday Scaries’ gummies contain no THC, not even like trace amounts of the stuff. So if you’re trying to cut down on the devil’s lettuce, let our exclusive discount help with that.

Because CBD lacks the psychoactive chemical found in THC, it doesn’t get you “high” per se. Instead, it makes you feel relaxed while sober. Just pop a tasty gummy or two and you’re set to lie down for the night, free from racing thoughts about the impending doom of work tomorrow, hence the name Sunday Scaries. For a limited time, you can save 25% on these vegan CBD gummies using the promo code ESINV25 to see what it’s all about. Automatically applied at checkout, this brings the grand total down to $35, or $31 if you choose to subscribe and save. Before long, you’ll be singing its praises without ethical concern for environmental impact (well, save for the packaging I presume).

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This deal was originally published by Gabe Carey.

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If you need a massive storage upgrade and don’t need SSD transfer speeds, this Seagate Gold Box is perfect timing. External hard drives are up to 35% off at Amazon for the day, including a 2TB Backup Plus Slim that’s only $53, and you can get more than double the space for less than double the cost with this 5TB for $98.

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If you have tons of big games and large movies, you might want to step up to this 8TB instead, which is just $123 with the discount. There are options all the way up to a massive 10TB at Amazon, so shop around before the calendar turns.

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This deal was originally published by Quentyn Kennemer.

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Over 11,000 customers can’t be wrong. 60% of Amazon reviewers have given the MySmile Teeth Whitening Kit a 5-star rating. If you’ve been looking to clean up a few coffee stains or make those pearly whites a little brighter this is the kit you’ve been searching for. Save 30% on this kit today.

If you’ve seen these sets before you know it comes with a LED light that helps accelerate the whitening process. It has a built-in timer so you don’t need to worry about setting one yourself and each session will be accurate. Also in this kit are the three 3mL teeth whitening gel syringes and the mouth trays for top and bottom. This kit provides enough gel for nine treatments. The trays don’t need to be molded which alleviates a huge headache and is usually my biggest gripe when I’ve tried kits akin to this one. Several customers have mentioned this worked just as well with their sensitive teeth which are really nice to know if you’re on the delicate side. Use these bad boys once a day for ten minutes and see stains from your life fade away even after one treatment. If only you could remove other problems that easily.

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This deal was originally published by Sheilah Villari.

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I live in a basement apartment so I thought this would be a fun experiment when I got one of these. I also with a roommate who is an excellent cook and constantly looking for fresh herbs and our garden isn’t reliable with the neighborhood creatures. I was pleasantly surprised by the AeroGarden Harvest 360 and if you’re a foodie with a green thumb this is the deal for you. Save $50 on this model right now.

I don’t know what I was expecting but I don’t think it was for them to all grow so quickly. I put the AeroGarden in my room on a high shelf away from all the dogs, so a pretty lightless area. I will say the 20W LED grow-lights are very bright, but duh, they’re supposed to be the sun. They’re on a timer too so you don’t need to worry about turning it on and off. It was easy to set up and I really love that it’s got light indicators that let you know when your plant babies need water or food. Yes, it comes with plant food that’s easy to measure out and pour in the well. It was simple enough to get the pods into the AeroGarden with relatively no mess. I haven’t figured out how to harvest them yet which will need to be done very soon. My pack came with Genovese basil, Thai basil, dill, curly parsley, mint, and thyme. I can say the basil smells lovely. This was a fun experiment that I was pleasantly surprised by and I’d be willing to try some more advanced things like lettuce or tomatoes. The AeroGarden is a great alternative for the plant minded individual worried about pesticides or herbicides.

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This deal was originally published by Sheilah Villari.

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Listen, no matter how loud the anti-maskers have a temper tantrum, masks protect yourself and others from COVID-19. We’re living in a pandemic and you know, it requires a bit of preparation for going out in public. This 40-Pack of KN95 masks is $24. Yes, masks are overpriced these days, but these five-layer KN95 masks block 95% of air particles up to .3-micron levels. What are you waiting for? Grab a box and start using them!

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This deal was originally published by Ignacia Fulcher. 

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If you’ve been looking for a way to take your temperature (or anyone else’s) without touching, you should look into this infrared forehead thermometer. It measures the heat coming off you in about a second for the best possible reading. You can also use it in the ear. It’s only $22, which is about $40 off the original list price. I would grab it before it’s gone.

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This deal was originally published by Quentyn Kennemer.

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Our pals at Elle Paradis want to treat you not trick you this week unless you’re into that. As a lead up to the spookiest day of the year grab 2 extra good when you spend $75.

My favorite little devil bullet ($22) is one of the free goodies. Channel your dark side in a discrete and clever manner. This smooth silicone little satan vibe has ten different settings and will be as naughty as you want to. Easy to use as it has one button and it’s splash-proof for simple cleaning. This buzzing Beelzebub will need AAA batteries but it’ll be worth it when get to dance with diablo.

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A handful of bundles are on sale for All Hallows’ Eve too. This Ghouls Just Wanna Have Fun Bundle ($55) that’s discounted 77% in this deal. I do like the variety in this set though. A little something for the backdoor and the front door. Two massagers and a G-spot vibe. Stimulate the spirits just remember to clean the ectoplasm after.

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Free shipping on all orders.

This deal was originally published by Sheilah Villari.

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If you have the occasional pimple, much like me, chances are you don’t want it to be there. You should check out Rael Pimple Patches. Only $16, they’re made with hydrocolloid that’ll extract all the nasty-ass puss straight from your pimple without ever having to pop them. Which means no acne scars! They also come in two sizes, 10mm and 12mm for regular and extra-large pimples. Shoot, I might buy some!

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This deal was originally published by Ignacia Fulcher.


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Microsoft gets a pandemic boost thanks to Surface, Xbox, and cloud services

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Microsoft posted the first quarter of its 2021 financial results today, reporting revenue of $37.2 billion and a net income of $13.9 billion. Revenue is up 12 percent, and net income has increased by 30 percent. While the ongoing pandemic continues to force many to work remotely during an economic downturn, Microsoft is benefiting from the shift in the way people are now working, playing games more, and connecting to others through videoconferencing.

Cloud services are the biggest boost to Microsoft’s revenues from the pandemic shift in behavior. Both Office commercial and consumer are up, with Office 365 Commercial revenue growth up by 21 percent. Server products and cloud services revenue has also increased 22 percent as more businesses rely on cloud services for remote working. Azure revenue itself grew 48 percent.

The biggest news here from a consumer point of view is that Microsoft 365 Consumer subscribers have also increased to 45.3 million. That’s a jump of 27 percent year-over-year, and likely thanks to Microsoft’s renewed focus on consumers with Microsoft 365 and Microsoft Teams earlier this year.

Cloud and Office aren’t the only products driving Microsoft’s growth, though. Surface revenue has jumped by 37 percent this quarter to $1.5 billion. That’s a big increase for a quarter that hasn’t seen any new Surface devices introduced. Microsoft only just introduced a new Surface Laptop Go device and updated Surface Pro X earlier this month, but those will count to next quarter’s revenue.

Microsoft’s next-gen Xbox consoles.
Photo by Tom Warren / The Verge

Over on the gaming side, Xbox content and services revenue has also increased significantly by 30 percent compared to the same quarter last year. A number of consumers have turned to gaming and services like xCloud or Game Pass during the pandemic, and it’s clear there’s an increased demand for Microsoft’s gaming services. Microsoft notes that Xbox Game Pass subscriptions and strength in third-party and first-party titles helped with revenue.

Microsoft is now gearing up to launch its next-gen Xbox Series X and Series S consoles on November 10th. The consoles complement Microsoft’s xCloud game streaming service that launched last month, and the company’s ongoing efforts with Xbox Game Pass. Microsoft revealed it has 15 million Xbox Game Pass subscribers last month, but the company hasn’t provided any fresh numbers today.

Microsoft appears to be bullish about demand for the Xbox Series X and S consoles. “We expect very strong demand following the launch of our next-generation Xbox Series X and S consoles,” said Microsoft CFO Amy Hood during a call with investors. This demand should drive “supply constrained hardware revenue growth of approximately 40 percent” next quarter.

Microsoft reported a jump in Windows usage earlier this year after lockdowns throughout many parts of the world led to remote working for many. This jump in usage hasn’t resulted in increased Windows OEM revenue during this quarter, though. Windows OEM revenue has dropped 5 percent, and Microsoft blames lower commercial demand for the dip.

While commercial demand for PCs might be softening, Windows OEM non-pro revenue has grown by 31 percent, thanks to consumer PC demand. It’s likely that students and families are driving this growth during the pandemic, turning to PCs to help support remote learning. During an earnings call with investors, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said “PCs have become mission critical,” and that Microsoft is seeing double digit growth in monthly active devices for Windows 10.

Surface Laptop Go.
Photo by Tom Warren / The Verge

Elsewhere, LinkedIn revenue has also grown by 16 percent year-over-year with 722 million users. Search revenue has decreased by 10 percent, though. Microsoft splits its various businesses into three buckets: productivity and business processes, intelligent cloud, and more personal computing. The more personal computing bucket includes Surface, Xbox, and Windows, and Microsoft says gaming and Surface drove its revenue growth of 6 percent for this quarter.

Azure drove the intelligent cloud revenue growth, and Office 365 and LinkedIn helped the productivity and business processes bucket. It’s clear that these main revenue drivers — Azure, gaming, Surface, and Office — have been influenced by the pandemic.

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said at the beginning of this pandemic that the company had witnessed “two years’ worth of digital transformation in two months.” That transformation appears to be continuing for many businesses, students, and consumers.

Update, October 27th 6:10PM ET: Article updated with comments from Microsoft’s investor call.

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You can now buy Vizio’s rotating Atmos soundbar

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Vizio’s Elevate soundbar has finally hit shelves. You can buy it today for $999.99. The 48-inch soundbar supports Dolby Atmos and DTS:X. The soundbar houses 18 speakers and comes with a wireless eight-inch subwoofer. The cool thing is that some of the speakers rotate — they face upward while you’re playing Dolby Atmos content and point forward for standard audio.

I spoke to Vizio CEO William Wang about the Elevate earlier this year. He said the soundbar is intended to hook non-enthusiast customers on Dolby Atmos by showing them, visually, the difference between the two tiers of audio. He also noted that while the Elevate is asking a steep price, he expects the rotating speakers to appear in lower-cost devices down the road. The Elevate is being positioned as a good companion purchase for Vizio’s first 4K OLED TV, which is also now available.

Currently, you can order the Elevate at Best Buy and Walmart. Vizio says it’s coming to Amazon and Sam’s Club, too, but those don’t appear to have active links yet.

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