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How to Not Masturbate During a Zoom Call

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A man sitting in front of a computer speaking on a video call with his hands in the air

Photo: Kate Kultsevych (Shutterstock)

Listen, I get it. The line between office and home has become so fine that we can’t tell the difference between, say, when it’s acceptable to masturbate and when it’s absolutely not. Since we do honest service journalism at Lifehacker, I want to share personal tips I’ve learned to keep you from making an “embarrassingly stupid mistake.”

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By way of credentials, I’ve masturbated everywhere. Teenage me was the Sam-I-Am of masturbating; jerking off were my green eggs and ham—late start, but I caught up quickly. You might relate, which is my first piece of advice:

Consider not being a man

Statistics show that 100% of men accidentally caught masturbating during a Zoom call at work today identified as men. You have your choice of adhering to binary genders, and while being a woman or queer may result in misogyny and increased danger, it will reduce your likelihood of exposing your genitals and incidentally sexually harassing people who don’t want to see them.

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When given the choice, women and queer professionals often choose to masturbate before work begins or after it has ended, so not being a man might help reduce your risk of being caught masturbating on Zoom. It will also decrease your likelihood of threatening violence, or offering unsolicited feedback of others’ work through direct message.

Set a masturbation alarm before each meeting

Men need a cool-down period after orgasm, where we typically lose our erection and desire to continue masturbating. Take advantage of this by scheduling a calendar hold before each meeting so you can masturbate before turning on your camera. Worried about needing a nap afterwards? Combine coffee with your pre-meeting ritual twenty minutes before your Zoom meeting begins. The jolt of caffeine should kick in just as your meeting begins to lag but before your next erection arrives.

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Build a time machine

Consider building your own time machine that would allow you to rewind time by 60 seconds when you’re caught beating off at work. Don’t bother with fixing those longer-term mistakes—you’re just going to mess up the timeline—but invent a smaller device that can give you just enough time to press the undo button after you realize your team of colleagues are being sexually harassed/horrified.

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Before you create your time machine, consider establishing your own time control rules: Do you want to rewind time, thus undoing your action and living on a singular plane of existence, or do you want to go back in time, creating a separate timeline where you can watch original you begin masturbating on Zoom, warn him, and then begin your separate life as a duplicate version of yourself. So much to consider!

For more practical advice, check out our other coverage on how to prevent Zoom embarrassment.

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Conquer Your Pup’s Dander and Fur With $700 Off a Cobalt or Charcoal Bobsweep PetHair Plus Robot Vacuum

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Best Home DealsBest Home DealsThe best home, kitchen, smart home, and automotive deals from around the web, updated daily.

Bobsweep PetHair Plus Robot Vacuum & Mop (Cobalt) | $200 | Best Buy

Bobsweep PetHair Plus Robot Vacuum & Mop (Charcoal) | $200 | Best Buy

Allergies can be bad enough as the seasons change. Don’t let pet hair and dander add to that by vacuuming it up early and often. That chore is easier said than done— unless you have a robot vacuum to do the work for you. This lovely bright cobalt Bobsweep PetHair Plus robot vacuum and mop, only $200 today at Best Buy seems like an ideal option. That’s a whopping $700 off, by the way.

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You can get the same deal for the charcoal version of the robot vac, too. This model is not only specially made for picking up pet hair, it self docks and charges when it’s finished with the work.

It also comes with a mop attachment, so it can take care of those kitchen floors for you as well. Grab it while it’s still available for this fantastic price!

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Apple will replace AirPods Pro for free with faulty noise cancellation, static or crackling

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Today, exactly one year after Apple first launched the AirPods Pro — and thus the same day the very first AirPods Pro owners will see their one-year warranties expire — Apple has launched a repair program that offers free repairs or replacements for another whole year if your AirPods Pro experience issues with noise cancellation or static.

Specifically, Apple will fix:

Crackling or static sounds that increase in loud environments, with exercise or while talking on the phone

Active Noise Cancellation not working as expected, such as a loss of bass sound, or an increase in background sounds, such as street or airplane noise

Apple says only a “small percentage of AirPods Pro” are affected by the issues, but it apparently wasn’t just an early batch — Apple says affected units were manufactured “before October 2020,” meaning every AirPods Pro ever made might be eligible. That’s quite a recall if so. Apple says it will repair faulty AirPods Pro for two years after you first buy them.

We’ve heard complaints about degraded noise cancellation before, and at least one Verge editor has replaced their AirPods Pro under warranty. It’s nice to hear that Apple isn’t just cutting buyers off as soon as that warranty expires.

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This 55″ 4K TCL Smart TV Hangs on Your Wall for $200

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Best Tech DealsBest Tech DealsThe best tech deals from around the web, updated daily.

TCL 55″ S434 4K Smart TV | $200 | Best Buy

Best Buy has an insane deal going for a brand new 55″ 4K TCL smart TV. It’s the S434, which is pretty baseline for TCL’s lineup, but at just $200, there’s little to complain about. TCL’s panels are plenty sharp and accurate, and with this set, you’ll get HDR10 compliance for enhanced color and brightness in supported games and video content. This model has Android TV onboard for all your app needs, and with an included voice remote, all your favorite content is just a shout away with the help of Google Assistant.

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