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How These Top Sad 1980s Toys Defined Your Personality

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Jam shorts! Arcades! The fall of the Berlin Wall! The Challenger explosion! Famine! Disease! Chernobyl! Only 1980s kids will recognize these amazing toys that defined a generation and laid the groundwork for GenX’s eventual decline into a powerless, overwhelmed, and angry demographic.

The house is cold and quiet. You’ve come home after school and the good TV doesn’t start until four o’clock. How do you fill the hours between now and then? Why not a battle between good and evil, centered on Snake Mountain, home of the Horde. The Snake himself pushes your action figures onto the shag carpet in your living room while grandpa’s old clock ticks the minutes until your mom comes home. You want to hear a human voice. Your own will suffice. Grab the wolf-shaped microphone and start cackling, the noise rent by a battery-powered amp filled with springs. Awoooo. He-Man is afraid. He is alone.

It’s two days after Christmas. You’re in a Ford Fairmont driving home from your grandmother’s house. You’re excited because your parents bought you a laser tag game but as endless, frosted countryside disappears into the gloom you realize that this isn’t the real Laser Tag that one of your friends said he asked for. This kit is incompatible. Your parents didn’t even get you the helmet and vest combo so that you and your friend could potentially play together. You press the button and the gun emits a loud beep in the quiet car, interrupting Le Show on radio. Your dad snorts and your mother asks you to turn it off. You put the gun down on the seat next to you and the lights eventually blink off. You close your eyes. In a while you’re carried to bed. The gun stays in the car until morning. It is cold when you touch it.

This box lies alone in the toy section of the Service Merchandise. The store is oddly lit as sun streams through the side windows into dusty shelves picked bare by shoppers looking for a deal. No reason to spend money on overhead fluorescents when you’re going out of business.

Your parents are looking for a new TV because the old black and white one is broken. You broke it on purpose. You wanted a color TV.

All the TVs are sold out, even the floor models.

They’ll never find out what you did to the TV. You, yourself, don’t even know, nor are you sure you did anything at all. You just wanted a color TV.

Now you want a toy. They pick this for you. It finds invisible aliens by beeping incessantly. You take it into the basement and aim it at dark corners, into the crawlspace, under the stairs. You find them. They follow you to bed and haunt your dreams.

You get a color TV a week later. You realize KITT’s lights are actually red.

Your teacher told your parents you should have a computer. At school you use Commodore 64s and your friend has an Apple IIe. Both have real, clicky keyboards.

They take you to Computer Express on High Street, next to the dog grooming place. The clerk takes one look at your family and steers you over to the older models. The Atari 400 is already two years old by the time you look at it but it supports the newer games and the clerk sells you the 400, a third-party joystick, and River Raid. You ask for Atlantis and the clerk adds it to the pile.

Your parents check out. You get the machine home. They didn’t buy Atlantis.

The membrane keyboard is hard to use. You try to type in a game from Antic magazine and it takes hours, days. You need a disk drive but your parents won’t buy one. You find a kid at school who has an 800XL and spend hours at his house, trying his games, the ones you don’t have.

You find this toy at a garage sale. You’re sure it’s battery powered. You put in ice and look for a button. You have to crank it. They box didn’t include any flavors.

Your parents are having a party downstairs. There are bottles in the kitchen.

Your pour cherry juice on it and don’t realize its liqueur. The hard spike of alcohol hits and you abandon the Sno-Cone machine and drink another shot of the liquor. They don’t notice you or the spreading pool of ice water on your bedroom floor.

You’re at your grandmother’s. You stay up late reading the D&D Players Handbook and understand nothing. You got a Dungeons & Dragons LCD game for your birthday and it’s nothing like the RPG. You try to grasp the concepts, fondling the dice like talismans of some adult religion. You roll a new thief. It’s hours before the house is awake and you can try to play with your grandmother and little sister. You have no friends here to play with and, in the end, you will never play. The kids in high school to spend evenings drinking Mountain Dew and cursing won’t invite you into their game.

The little LCD game is too loud to play right now. You open the Goonies magazine you bought at Convenient Food Mart. It features old maps, treasure boats, Sloth. Andy.

Andy.

Stef.

The light is on in the bathroom. It goes off. The house settles. Someone stirs in another room.

Andy.

Andy.

Andy.

Stef.

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Charge Your Phone Wirelessly With 50% off a Multifunctional LED Lamp

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Best Tech DealsBest Tech DealsThe best tech deals from around the web, updated daily.

White Wireless Charge Lamp | $18 | Amazon | Clip coupon + code ABC88699
Black Wireless Charger Lamp | $20 | Amazon | Promo code ABC88699

When you’re ready to turn in for the night, you don’t want to forget to charge your phone— especially if your mobile device doubles as your alarm clock.

With this wireless charger lamp, you can make this crucial step of your nightly routine even easier by just setting your phone on the wireless charging pad and… well, that’s all there is to it!

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Other functions include multiple lighting modes as well as a sleep timer option for auto shut-off of the light after 30 or 60 minutes.

This lamp can be yours in white for $18 if you clip the coupon on Amazon (it’s below the original $40 price) and add promo code ABC88699 at checkout.

You can snag the black version for $20 using the same code—no coupon though, sorry.

Don’t sleep on this deal! Who knows how long stock or the coupon code will last?

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Keep That Hotdish Hot With 65% Off a Luncia Casserole Carrier, Only $11 With Promo Code

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Best Home DealsBest Home DealsThe best home, kitchen, smart home, and automotive deals from around the web, updated daily.

Luncia Double-Decker Dish Carrier | $11 | Amazon | Promo code SDDU9S7F

It has been a long time since the days we could safely have a potluck or other gatherings, but we have a fantastic deal perfect for once those times return. These double-decker Luncia dish carriers can be had for 65% off when you add promo code SDDU9S7F at checkout and clip the coupon on the site (it’s just below the price). These holders fit 9″x 13″ sized baking dishes.

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That means you can insulate and keep two dishes of food warm for only $11 instead of $30. What’s more, your Luncia carrier will arrive by Christmas if you order today as a Prime member.

Just add promo code SDDU9S7F and clip the 5% off coupon to bring the price down to $11 for the blue or the grey option.

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Grab this offer while it’s still around!


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Conquer Your Pup’s Dander and Fur With $700 Off a Cobalt or Charcoal Bobsweep PetHair Plus Robot Vacuum

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Best Home DealsBest Home DealsThe best home, kitchen, smart home, and automotive deals from around the web, updated daily.

Bobsweep PetHair Plus Robot Vacuum & Mop (Cobalt) | $200 | Best Buy

Bobsweep PetHair Plus Robot Vacuum & Mop (Charcoal) | $200 | Best Buy

Allergies can be bad enough as the seasons change. Don’t let pet hair and dander add to that by vacuuming it up early and often. That chore is easier said than done— unless you have a robot vacuum to do the work for you. This lovely bright cobalt Bobsweep PetHair Plus robot vacuum and mop, only $200 today at Best Buy seems like an ideal option. That’s a whopping $700 off, by the way.

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You can get the same deal for the charcoal version of the robot vac, too. This model is not only specially made for picking up pet hair, it self docks and charges when it’s finished with the work.

It also comes with a mop attachment, so it can take care of those kitchen floors for you as well. Grab it while it’s still available for this fantastic price!

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